Genres, Male Perversion, and Different Foolish Stuff From In the present day’s HBO Max/Discovery+ Merger

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View: Warner Bros. Discovery”.

After days of accurate ax photos to his streaming service HBO Max library, Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav went for the kill today. A conversation with investors, Zaslav revealed call his for second quarter earnings plans combine HBO Max and Discovery+ into one big, mixed ball of content that absolutely, strengthen will have none Bat girl movies about him.

Let’s be honest: It’s never great in PR when the graphics or language that comes from this kind of earnings ring a bell—it’s by its very nature to reduce all art and entertainment to a thin slurry of finance credits and cons to be added to the ever hungry masses of The Investors – make it popular and for wider discussion. However, Zaslav’s presentation on the Internet today received particular mockeryespecially for a slide that purports to show the differences between the two streams services which will now be united by their approach unholy spawn.

HBO Max, we’re told, is “male perversion,” “scripted,” “entertainment,” “appointment viewing” and, of course, “the home of fantasy.” Meanwhile, the Discovery+ features “feminine curvature,” “no pattern,” “reclining,” “comfortable viewing” and “the home of the genres” we’re pretty sure of when a classic sci-fi novel hits the mark ol’ sex jeans and gives you CChristian Gray’s treatment. The “fandom” and “genre” thing is mostly misunderstood, but we understand that people mostly would not have cooked would slide very badly if Zaslav hadn’t opened with all the “male curve” and “female curve” –especially since a) we can name any number of HBO Max shows with avid female audiences (and vice versa when it comes to Discovery+), and b) All of Discovery+’s descriptions seem precisely designed to annoy any die-hard pop culture fans, like people who genuinely care about your poor, hopeless streaming service. David.

Zaslav also posted a slide of various assets from associated streaming services, including a “franchise” entry that includes Harry Potter, the DC Superhero movies, and of course 90 Day Fiancee The universe is a vast cosmology of television products designed to marry people in less time than most people spend with a toothbrush. (Wait, should we be changing our toothbrushes more often?)

WHich is usually stupid, but not necessarily boom But never fear: Zaslav had it slide for that too. Specifically, he had one that listed all the alleged sins of losing money accomplished by its predecessors, including CNN+ (which has now also included in Discovery+.). This line item is bleaker (emphasis ours): “Approved additional costs for projects with uncertain financial returns including Children and animation(CNN+, select Turner originals, and select HBO Max live feature films.) God forbid a studio spends money on TV or movies with “uncertain” financial returns, but don’t worry: Zaslav has a solution. Here’s a quick tip, kids: If someone tells their investors they’re “restructuring” your work “content portfolio,” it’s probably time to get your cover letters ready. Later, the financial director of the company confirmed that a significant number of the company’s children and animation projects were chopped.

Amidst all the carnage, Zaslav and his team also set a timetable for merging the two services: we can expect 2023. they will reopen as a single entity in the summer, with no name or pricing announced. The hybrid service is expected to launch both ad-free and with ads.

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